Suspect claims he thought stolen car was his

Life in the United States can be hectic.  We are a fast-paced society, and often we are thinking of the next thing we need to do while we are completing other tasks.  Therefore, it is not uncommon to find ourselves committing some rather absent-minded acts, such as forgetting where we parked our cars or, even worse, attempting to get into a car that looks like but is not ours.

This must have been the case for 21-year-old Sakima Bracero of Okaloosa County, Florida, who was arrested after he ran a stop sign in a vehicle that had been reported stolen.  (I have never stolen a car, nor do I intend to, but I like to think that if I did, I would have the good sense to obey the traffic laws while driving it.)

When confronted about the theft of the vehicle, Bracero informed police that the situation was not what it seemed and that he had not meant to steal the car.  First, he claimed that it belonged to his girlfriend, but when he realized that story was not going to fly, he reportedly announced that he "found it with the keys inside and thought it was his."

There was also some confusion over a little red pill that was discovered in Bracero's possession.  He initially said that it was candy, but then changed his mind and decided it was medicine, though he was not sure of the kind.  Lab testing has been ordered to help him clear up the matter.

For whatever reason, the police have apparently not accepted his version of the facts just yet, and Bracero has been charged with grand theft of a motor vehicle and driving without a license.  (The whole "Oops-I-thought-it-was-my-car" defense really suffers when the cops find out you do not have a valid driver's license.)  He was also cited for running a stop sign and failure to yield the right of way.

In order to avoid falling into a similar situation, please observe the following steps when operating a motor vehicle:

1. Before leaving a parking lot in a vehicle that you have "found," verify that it belongs to you.  This will only take a few extra seconds, but as Bracero can tell you, can prove valuable in avoiding criminal charges.  Try looking at the license plate or checking the registration to see if it has your name on it.  You can also look for things in the car that belong to you, or, more importantly, do not belong to you.  For example, if you get into a car that contains a CD collection, and you think, "Man, who would listen to this junk?", it may not be your vehicle.
2. If you are unable to confirm your ownership of a vehicle but are relatively sure that it belongs to you, be careful to observe all traffic laws until you are able to verify ownership.  This will make it less likely for you to find yourself in an embarrassing situation like Bracero did.

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Lawmakers working tirelessly at wasting time

Lawmakers Working Tirelessly at Wasting Time

The state of Washington is hard at work after passing an initiative to proactively remove gender bias from its existing statutes.  Among the changes being worked in the state's laws are the following:

1. Penmanship to Handwriting
2. Fisherman to Fisher
3. Freshman to First Year Student
4. Journeyman Plumber to Journey-Level Plumber
5. Signalman to Signal Operator

A Reuters article regarding the removal of gender bias from state laws notes that certain words, including "airman" and "seaman" will not be changed due to objections from the Washington Military Department.  While the article does not specify what those objections are, it is safe to assume that they are somewhere along the lines of, "This is a ridiculous waste of time and resources.  No one freaking cares."

Of course, someone did care, namely state Senator Jeanne Kohl-Welles, the bill's sponsor.  Did anyone else?  Well, it's hard to say.  No one wants to be that guy (or gal, but especially guy) who is standing up to argue against something like this.  It's like asking a politician to vote no on the "Save our Children Act" or the "Stop People from Beating Up Animals Act."  The real value gets obscured by the need for a politically practical response.

As a woman, I could not care less about things like this, partly because I am a grownup and just have other things to which I devote my time and partly because it really does not matter.  First of all, how many people read their state statutes?  I am an attorney, so I have read quite a few, but I am willing to bet the average person has read little to none of his (or her, lest I offend!) state laws.  But I suppose we are to believe that the use of the word "freshman" or "penmanship" is somehow damaging these frail psyches.  

Second, the only time that this stuff matters is when the law says things like, "It shall be unlawful for a woman to operate a motor vehicle on Sunday."  If the law itself creates separate rules for separate groups of people, whether it is based on gender, race, or any other factor, then we've got a problem. 

Moreover, the dictionary definition of "man" includes the following: "a member of the species Homo sapiens or all the members of this species collectively without regard to sex" (emphasis added).  Wait a second...so if we rely on something silly like the meaning of words in our language, these statutes are already gender neutral.  

Leave it to a government entity to find a way to spend millions of dollars and a ton of resources to do something that is already done.

(Originally published on April 26, 2013)

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The Pocket-Dial Strikes Again

The Pocket-Dial Strikes Again

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We've all been there.  You think you're enjoying a private conversation with your friends, only to later discover that the cell phone you had squirreled away in your pocket has betrayed you and called, seemingly on its own, someone from your "Contacts" list.  It is one of the ways in which modern technology discourages gossip.  You just never know when you will fall victim to the "pocket-dial."

Take Floridian James Dollarhide and his two unfortunate passengers, for example.  They were just driving along in their tow truck, minding their own business, when the police pulled them over, ostensibly to check on the welfare of the occupants.  Dollarhide was found to be operating the tow truck with a suspended license, a pretty big no-no, and, after the three men consented to being searched, a crack pipe was found in the pocket of one of the passengers, also a pretty big no-no.

Now, as an attorney, I do just want to point out that if you have a crack pipe in your pocket, it is probably not the best idea to consent to a search.  That is never, and I mean NEVER, going to end well.  Fortunately, in this case, the passenger informed police that it wasn't his crack pipe but instead belonged to his father.  He was simply being a good son and holding it so his father would not get in trouble with the landlord.  Good thing he was able to clear that right up.

So, what really triggered this particular police stop?  A 911 call, made by one of the occupants of the vehicle.  Apparently, he pocket-dialed 911, where dispatchers listened in on a long and involved conversation regarding their business plans, namely dealing drugs.  After listening long enough, they were able to track the location of the call and glean enough details to identify the tow truck from whence the call originated.  Needless to say, these gentlemen are switching to flip phones.

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Is that a chicken in your pants...?

Is that a chicken in your pants...?

I was recently pregnant, so I can certainly understand that feeling of being hungry for one thing in particular and just needing to eat it.  Fortunately, I was in a position that enabled me to pretty much do that, just so long as I was not craving caviar on a regular basis, which, believe me, I was not.

Sadly, that must not have been the case for 48-year-old Kenneth Thomas Amarite, of Vero Beach, Florida, who was arrested for shoplifting just over $4.00 worth of chicken wings from a local delicatessan. Amarite, in an apparent attempt to ensure he would not be asked to return the stolen merchandise, stuffed the wings down his pants before making a break for it.  Unfortunately for Mr. Amarite, the delicatessan manager must get a lot of wings-in-the-pants attempted robberies because he was able to detain Amarite until police arrived.

There is no indication of whether or not Amarite was permitted to eat the wings, nor of whether the wings were mild, medium, hot, or suicide.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

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"Officer Smith commented on your photo."

Anyone who pays attention to the legal climate knows that social media sites like Facebook and Twitter are playing a greater role in the courtroom in both civil and criminal matters. For some who are perhaps less in tune with the trends of the American justice system, however, sometimes the lesson must be learned the hard way.

Such was the case for 20-year-old Michael Baker of Kentucky, who decided to strike back at the police by stealing some taxpayer-funded gasoline from one of their cruisers. He might have been able to complete his mission and escape undetected had he only been able to keep his ego in check.

Baker could not resist getting his girlfriend to snap a picture of him demonstrating his fiendish exploits by showing the camera his middle finger as he crouched beside a crude siphoning device. Again, had he stopped there, he still may have escaped detection, but what good is a picture if you don't share it with your Facebook friends?

After it was uploaded, the picture somehow fell into the hands of police, an important reminder that just because someone is your "Facebook friend" does not necessarily mean he or she is your "for real friend."

Baker has been charged with a misdemeanor, and although the offending picture has been removed from his page - too little, too late, I would think - he has reportedly expressed no regrets and continues to regale friends with the tale, which he still finds "funny as hell tho."


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"I'm not drunk, officer. I'm a Double-D."

This post contains affiliate links.

Most drivers will be pulled over for one reason or another at some point during their lives, and many of them will try to come up with a plausible explanation or excuse to justify their infractions and hopefully convince the police officer to let them go with a warning.  A Florida woman took that game to the extreme last month when she told officers that she would not be able to successfully complete her field sobriety test because her large breasts made it impossible for her to walk a straight line, at least without assistance.

Port St. Lucie police officers made every attempt to ensure that 49-year-old Maureen Raymond was in the best condition possible for a field sobriety test - except sober, of course - and even asked her if she was injured in any way, to which Ms. Raymond replied that she had big breasts and whiplash.

For her part, Ms. Raymond really attempted to demonstrate that despite the prevalent odor of alcohol emanating from her and her vehicle, she was actually quite sober.  She even offered to go ahead with the sobriety test, in spite of her physical limitations, if one of the officers would just hold her hand to help her balance.  When that didn't work, she started dancing, which apparently is easier for a big-breasted woman than walking in a straight line.  She even went so far as to begin removing her clothes so that she could prove to the police that she was sincere about her problem.

Believe it or not, in spite of all her good faith efforts, the police still went ahead and arrested her.  At the station, officers asked her to take a breathalyzer, to which she reportedly responded by telling the officer to relax because she was in the middle of praying.  Luckily, she never did end up giving a breath sample, and if she gets herself a good Port St. Lucie DUI lawyer, she actually has a decent shot at beating the DUI charge.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

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Man's best friend or worst enemy?

Man's best friend or worst enemy?

This post contains affiliate links.

Most people are familiar with the saying that a dog is "man's best friend."  However, for three unfortunate inmates in a Paraguay prison, it turns out that a dog can actually be man's worst enemy.  The three inmates put many long days of work into digging a tunnel that stretched from their prison cell to the street outside the prison.  When it came time to execute their plan, however, they found that there was just one slight issue they had not considered.

According to inmate Hilario Villalba, the minute that he stuck his head out of his freshly-dug escape tunnel, a stray dog who happened to be in the vicinity began to bark.  Despite Villalba and his comrades' best efforts, the dog refused to stop, and soon a prison guard came running to see what all the fuss was about.  The three inmates were quickly captured and put back behind bars.

In the aftermath of their recapture, Paraguay police paraded the men in front of the media, perhaps as an example to their fellow inmates.  Although the near-escape will undoubtedly earn these fellows a little extra scrutiny around the prison yard, Villalba ensured that he will get an extra dose by declaring that he will most certainly attempt to escape again because his 30-year prison sentence for double-murder just isn't fair.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

"Hi, customer service? There's a problem with my crack cocaine."

Keep your hands and torso to yourself

Would you like brains with that?

Court rejects man's argument, affirms legally dead ruling

McDonald's Robbed by Gun-Wielding Obama Wannabe

"I hereby sentence you to Red Lobster!"