Lawmakers Working Tirelessly at Wasting Time

The state of Washington is hard at work after passing an initiative to proactively remove gender bias from its existing statutes.  Among the changes being worked in the state's laws are the following:

1. Penmanship to Handwriting
2. Fisherman to Fisher
3. Freshman to First Year Student
4. Journeyman Plumber to Journey-Level Plumber
5. Signalman to Signal Operator

A Reuters article regarding the removal of gender bias from state laws notes that certain words, including "airman" and "seaman" will not be changed due to objections from the Washington Military Department.  While the article does not specify what those objections are, it is safe to assume that they are somewhere along the lines of, "This is a ridiculous waste of time and resources.  No one freaking cares."

Of course, someone did care, namely state Senator Jeanne Kohl-Welles, the bill's sponsor.  Did anyone else?  Well, it's hard to say.  No one wants to be that guy (or gal, but especially guy) who is standing up to argue against something like this.  It's like asking a politician to vote no on the "Save our Children Act" or the "Stop People from Beating Up Animals Act."  The real value gets obscured by the need for a politically practical response.

As a woman, I could not care less about things like this, partly because I am a grownup and just have other things to which I devote my time and partly because it really does not matter.  First of all, how many people read their state statutes?  I am an attorney, so I have read quite a few, but I am willing to bet the average person has read little to none of his (or her, lest I offend!) state laws.  But I suppose we are to believe that the use of the word "freshman" or "penmanship" is somehow damaging these frail psyches.  

Second, the only time that this stuff matters is when the law says things like, "It shall be unlawful for a woman to operate a motor vehicle on Sunday."  If the law itself creates separate rules for separate groups of people, whether it is based on gender, race, or any other factor, then we've got a problem. 

Moreover, the dictionary definition of "man" includes the following: "a member of the species Homo sapiens or all the members of this species collectively without regard to sex" (emphasis added).  Wait a second...so if we rely on something silly like the meaning of words in our language, these statutes are already gender neutral.  

Leave it to a government entity to find a way to spend millions of dollars and a ton of resources to do something that is already done.

(Originally published on April 26, 2013)

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The Pocket-Dial Strikes Again

The Pocket-Dial Strikes Again

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We've all been there.  You think you're enjoying a private conversation with your friends, only to later discover that the cell phone you had squirreled away in your pocket has betrayed you and called, seemingly on its own, someone from your "Contacts" list.  It is one of the ways in which modern technology discourages gossip.  You just never know when you will fall victim to the "pocket-dial."

Take Floridian James Dollarhide and his two unfortunate passengers, for example.  They were just driving along in their tow truck, minding their own business, when the police pulled them over, ostensibly to check on the welfare of the occupants.  Dollarhide was found to be operating the tow truck with a suspended license, a pretty big no-no, and, after the three men consented to being searched, a crack pipe was found in the pocket of one of the passengers, also a pretty big no-no.

Now, as an attorney, I do just want to point out that if you have a crack pipe in your pocket, it is probably not the best idea to consent to a search.  That is never, and I mean NEVER, going to end well.  Fortunately, in this case, the passenger informed police that it wasn't his crack pipe but instead belonged to his father.  He was simply being a good son and holding it so his father would not get in trouble with the landlord.  Good thing he was able to clear that right up.

So, what really triggered this particular police stop?  A 911 call, made by one of the occupants of the vehicle.  Apparently, he pocket-dialed 911, where dispatchers listened in on a long and involved conversation regarding their business plans, namely dealing drugs.  After listening long enough, they were able to track the location of the call and glean enough details to identify the tow truck from whence the call originated.  Needless to say, these gentlemen are switching to flip phones.

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Keep your hands and torso to yourself

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Is that a chicken in your pants...?

Is that a chicken in your pants...?

I was recently pregnant, so I can certainly understand that feeling of being hungry for one thing in particular and just needing to eat it.  Fortunately, I was in a position that enabled me to pretty much do that, just so long as I was not craving caviar on a regular basis, which, believe me, I was not.

Sadly, that must not have been the case for 48-year-old Kenneth Thomas Amarite, of Vero Beach, Florida, who was arrested for shoplifting just over $4.00 worth of chicken wings from a local delicatessan. Amarite, in an apparent attempt to ensure he would not be asked to return the stolen merchandise, stuffed the wings down his pants before making a break for it.  Unfortunately for Mr. Amarite, the delicatessan manager must get a lot of wings-in-the-pants attempted robberies because he was able to detain Amarite until police arrived.

There is no indication of whether or not Amarite was permitted to eat the wings, nor of whether the wings were mild, medium, hot, or suicide.

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"Officer Smith commented on your photo."

"Officer Smith commented on your photo."

Anyone who pays attention to the legal climate knows that social media sites like Facebook and Twitter are playing a greater role in the courtroom in both civil and criminal matters. For some who are perhaps less in tune with the trends of the American justice system, however, sometimes the lesson must be learned the hard way.

Such was the case for 20-year-old Michael Baker of Kentucky, who decided to strike back at the police by stealing some taxpayer-funded gasoline from one of their cruisers. He might have been able to complete his mission and escape undetected had he only been able to keep his ego in check.

Baker could not resist getting his girlfriend to snap a picture of him demonstrating his fiendish exploits by showing the camera his middle finger as he crouched beside a crude siphoning device. Again, had he stopped there, he still may have escaped detection, but what good is a picture if you don't share it with your Facebook friends?

After it was uploaded, the picture somehow fell into the hands of police, an important reminder that just because someone is your "Facebook friend" does not necessarily mean he or she is your "for real friend."

Baker has been charged with a misdemeanor, and although the offending picture has been removed from his page - too little, too late, I would think - he has reportedly expressed no regrets and continues to regale friends with the tale, which he still finds "funny as hell tho."


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What's in a name?

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"I'm not drunk, officer. I'm a Double-D."

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Most drivers will be pulled over for one reason or another at some point during their lives, and many of them will try to come up with a plausible explanation or excuse to justify their infractions and hopefully convince the police officer to let them go with a warning.  A Florida woman took that game to the extreme last month when she told officers that she would not be able to successfully complete her field sobriety test because her large breasts made it impossible for her to walk a straight line, at least without assistance.

Port St. Lucie police officers made every attempt to ensure that 49-year-old Maureen Raymond was in the best condition possible for a field sobriety test - except sober, of course - and even asked her if she was injured in any way, to which Ms. Raymond replied that she had big breasts and whiplash.

For her part, Ms. Raymond really attempted to demonstrate that despite the prevalent odor of alcohol emanating from her and her vehicle, she was actually quite sober.  She even offered to go ahead with the sobriety test, in spite of her physical limitations, if one of the officers would just hold her hand to help her balance.  When that didn't work, she started dancing, which apparently is easier for a big-breasted woman than walking in a straight line.  She even went so far as to begin removing her clothes so that she could prove to the police that she was sincere about her problem.

Believe it or not, in spite of all her good faith efforts, the police still went ahead and arrested her.  At the station, officers asked her to take a breathalyzer, to which she reportedly responded by telling the officer to relax because she was in the middle of praying.  Luckily, she never did end up giving a breath sample, and if she gets herself a good Port St. Lucie DUI lawyer, she actually has a decent shot at beating the DUI charge.

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Man's best friend or worst enemy?

Man's best friend or worst enemy?

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Most people are familiar with the saying that a dog is "man's best friend."  However, for three unfortunate inmates in a Paraguay prison, it turns out that a dog can actually be man's worst enemy.  The three inmates put many long days of work into digging a tunnel that stretched from their prison cell to the street outside the prison.  When it came time to execute their plan, however, they found that there was just one slight issue they had not considered.

According to inmate Hilario Villalba, the minute that he stuck his head out of his freshly-dug escape tunnel, a stray dog who happened to be in the vicinity began to bark.  Despite Villalba and his comrades' best efforts, the dog refused to stop, and soon a prison guard came running to see what all the fuss was about.  The three inmates were quickly captured and put back behind bars.

In the aftermath of their recapture, Paraguay police paraded the men in front of the media, perhaps as an example to their fellow inmates.  Although the near-escape will undoubtedly earn these fellows a little extra scrutiny around the prison yard, Villalba ensured that he will get an extra dose by declaring that he will most certainly attempt to escape again because his 30-year prison sentence for double-murder just isn't fair.

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"I hereby sentence you to Red Lobster!"

This post contains affiliate links.

A Broward County judge is facing some heat this week after he issued a controversial ruling in a domestic abuse case.  Joseph Bray and his wife got into an argument when he forgot her birthday, and in an effort to demonstrate the reasonableness of his memory lapse, he shoved her onto the couch and grabbed her by her throat.  Fortunately, as Judge John "Jay" Hurley described it, this was only a "minor incident" because when Bray drew back his fist to punch his wife, he stopped himself from doing so.


Judge Hurley, like any good defender of the innocent and dispenser of justice, added a little insult to this near-miss injury by declining to punish Bray in any conventional sense.  Instead of fining him or sentencing him to a little cool-off period in jail, Hurley ruled that Bray must go buy his wife flowers, take her to Red Lobster for dinner, and treat her to a nice game of bowling afterwards.  Yes, Judge Hurley, there's nothing like a little court-ordered quality time to make up for missing a spouse's birthday and grabbing her by the neck.  Judge Hurley, in what can only be described as a brief and rare fit of common sense, also ordered the couple to undergo marriage counseling, starting immediately.

I cannot help but wonder whether Judge Hurley is married, and if so, what kind of response he got from his wife when she heard about this ruling.  If I was her, I think I'd have to have a little minor incident of my own.

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"Hi, customer service? There's a problem with my crack cocaine."

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McDonald's Robbed by Gun-Wielding Obama Wannabe

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Riviera Beach police are asking the public to help them find the man who robbed a local McDonald's restaurant this week while wearing a Barack Obama mask.  The suspect, who got away with about $1,000 in cash, was estimated to be about 6 feet tall and around 170 pounds and was wearing, in addition to the mask, black clothes and white gloves.  Witnesses say that he entered the McDonald's, brandished a gun, and ordered all the employees on duty into the back of the store.  He then forced the manager to open the safe and give him the cash.

 

Although any good citizen must question why he did not have the good sense to also grab an Angus burger on his way out the door, we also must admit that criminals are really learning to tap into their creative sides these days.  In the old days, robbers used to be satisfied to just throw on any old ski mask and get down to business.  Not anymore.  Recently, I brought you the story about a young man who robbed a convenience store in California while dressed as Gumby.  Now, we have a Barack Obama wannabe ripping off McDonald's, and he even had the good sense to cover his hands so no one could even tell his race.  It's really kind of impressive.

Fortunately, the mask is more of a caricature than a real-to-life portrayal of the president.  Otherwise, given the similarity in height and weight, some may have been tempted to see this as an ill-conceived effort to cut the federal budget deficit.

(Originally published February 3, 2012)

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What's in a name?

Many of us have wished that we could change our names for some reason or other.  For those of us with common names, perhaps we have always wanted something a little more exotic; and for those of us with unique names, perhaps we have wished for a name that we did not have to repeat several times when meeting new people.  Apparently, a young man who was christened Jeffrey Drew Wilschke falls into that first category.  Wilschke was arrested in April of last year after police discovered he was carrying a concealed handgun.  About six months later, for reasons that are unclear - and I do mean completely unclear - he had his name legally changed from Jeffrey Drew Wilschke to the also-popular Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop.

Regardless of name change, probation records followed Mr. Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop, and he was arrested again on January 7 for violating his probation.  He was also charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of  marijuana, and possession of drug paraphernalia.  There is also evidence of an affinity for denim that has, rightly, not been acceptable since about 1987, but thus far no charges have been filed on that account.

I think the thing that I find most charming about this whole story is the same guy who can't be bothered to abide by the terms of his probation nonetheless puts in all the time, energy, and money required to get a legal name change in Wisconsin.  If he put that much effort into turning his life around, perhaps he'd be getting his name in the paper for a different reason.

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Court rejects man's argument, affirms legally dead ruling

In the United States, there are very few times when someone walking into a court of law to argue his position can really feel like he has a bulletproof case.  The law is open to interpretation, and our adversarial proceedings encourage lawyers to be creative in those interpretations.

However, until recently, someone on his way to court to attempt to reverse a ruling that he is legally dead should have felt pretty secure in his ability to do so.  After all, showing up in the courtroom and demonstrating an independent ability to walk, talk, and otherwise accomplish tasks reserved for the living should be acceptable evidence of life no matter what the jurisdiction.

Sadly, this was not the case for Donald Miller, Jr., who was declared legally dead by the state of Ohio in 1994.  Earlier this week, Miller went to court to get the ruling reversed so that he could get a driver's license and, hopefully, a job.  Judge Allan Davis of Hancock County, Ohio ruled on the side of Miller's wife, who has been collecting social security death benefits since Miller was declared legally dead.  Davis noted that the law does not allow a declaration of legal death to be overturned after 3 years.  I am certainly no proponent of judicial activism, but this case makes me think perhaps it does have its place, after all.

Miller, who cannot afford to appeal, is just going to have to live with being dead.  What I am wondering now is, if his social security number is going to come up in the records of the federal government as belonging to a dead man, does that mean that if he does find a job of some kind, he does not have to pay taxes?  I would certainly hope so.  If nothing else, the whole thing really makes me question the veracity of the old adage about the certainty of death and taxes.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

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Always time for a last hurrah...

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Would you like brains with that?

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Would you like brains with that?

Airport and customs officials the world over work hard to try to keep all kinds of illegal items out of their respective countries.  The list of contraband varies from country to country, and the items on it range from narcotics to plants to certain kinds of animals.  This week in Egypt, a group of smugglers from Sudan discovered just how strictly Egyptians rules are enforced when they were arrested in Cairo for trying to sneak 420 pounds of cow brains into the country.  According to an ABC News article, cow brains can be purchased in Sudan for about one-sixth the price paid in Egypt, which has led to a growing black market movement to bring cow brains across the border.

There aren't a lot of foods that turn me off before I've ever tried them, but brains of any kind just do not appeal to me, no matter how good the price.  But it turns out that even here in the United States, cow brains are considered a delicacy, and many people flock to the relatively few restaurants that serve them to indulge in this deep-fried treat.  Knowing that they are so popular almost makes me want to try to silence that little voice in my head that is dissuading me from putting brains in my mouth and take the plunge.  Almost.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

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Always time for a last hurrah...

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Keep your hands and torso to yourself!

An Illinois woman will be permitted to present her negligence claim to a jury, according to a state appeals court ruling this week.  Gayane Zokhrabov was injured in a bizarre accident while waiting for a train on a rainy day in 2008.  Another passenger, in an attempt to catch a train, dashed across the railroad tracks into the path of an oncoming train.  The train struck the passenger at approximately 70 miles per hour and sent a large chunk of his body flying into Ms. Zokhrabov.  She was knocked off her feet and suffered a broken leg and wrist.

Now Zokhrabov has filed a lawsuit against the estate of the passenger, Hiroyuki Joho, who was killed in the incident.  Her claim is that Joho acted negligently by running in front of the train.  In order to prevail on her claim, she has to prove that Joho was negligent and that the injuries she suffered as a result of his negligence were reasonably foreseeable by him.  

Proving negligence should not be too terribly difficult, given what happened to Joho.  The other part of her claim, however, may be a little more difficult.  Believe it or not, there is not an abundance of case law in Illinois - or any other states, for that matter - that deals with airborne body parts.  Her lawyer, however, thinks that they have a good chance of prevailing.  She likens the case to one where a train passenger is injured when the conductor yanks the emergency brake to avoid hitting someone on the tracks.  Bottom line, she says, is that "if you do something as stupid as this guy did, you have to be responsible for what comes from it."

Zokhrabov has received a lot of criticism for her lawsuit, but it's important to recognize that she suffered some pretty severe injuries and may not have the money to pay for treatment.  What happened to Joho is tragic, but it does not take away the fact that had he not acted so carelessly, Zokhrabov would not have incurred the cost of medical treatment, nor would she have suffered the agony of broken bones.  

Because of our adversarial system, there is a tendency to take negligence lawsuits very personally.  But in reality, negligence suits are about making amends financially for accidental behavior.  It does not mean that the person being sued was a horrible person; it just means they made a mistake and someone suffered for it.  

(Originally published January 15, 2012)

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Always time for a last hurrah...

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Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

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"911 - What's your delusion?"

Being a cab driver is not exactly a profession steeped in glory.  The hours are long, the rules are strict, and as with any service field occupation, the customers can be rude and difficult to handle.  A Florida cab driver found out just how difficult when Paul Coombs, the 38-year-old gentleman he was toting around in the backseat, called 911 a total of seven times in less than an hour, claiming that the cab driver had kidnapped him.  The driver must have realized that the hefty ransom he presumably meant to collect from a friend or relative of Coombs might not be readily forthcoming, and he did actually attempt to drop off Coombs at his home.

Unfortunately, Coombs was unable to recall the precise location of said home, and the cab driver decided to return to the taxi depot, citing the fact that Coombs smelled heavily of alcohol and also appeared to have urinated on himself - undoubtedly a reaction to the terror of being kidnapped - at some point during the ride.

Towards the end of the series of calls, 911 operators informed Coombs that he would need to stop calling or he would be arrested, at which point he reportedly told them that he had a checkbook and did not care about going to jail.  That worked fine for police who went ahead and put Coombs up for the night at their place.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

This song was made for you and me...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

Arizona man seeks to enforce adultery laws

Finding the Right Location for Your Business 101

"Hi, customer service? There's a problem with my crack cocaine."

We have all been there.  That terrible moment when you realize that you just handed over your hard-earned money to some retailer and received a piece of junk in return.  It is absolutely infuriating, and for most of us, the natural reaction is to return to the store and demand our money back.

So, it's not surprising that when a 47-year-old Missouri woman realized that her crack dealer had given her sugar instead of the quality crack cocaine she had ordered, she wanted a refund.  Unfortunately, rather than just going back to the "retailer" where she made her purchase, she decided to get some help from the local police.

Suzanne Basham dialed 911 and requested that Springfield, Missouri's police department send someone to her crack dealer's home to get her $40 back and arrest the man who had ripped her off.  Police did go to the man's home, but they left without taking any action when he denied any involvement.  Suzanne, on the other hand, did not escape so easily.  When they arrived at the home of the woman who had summoned them, police discovered her still holding her crack pipe and gave her a ticket for possession of drug paraphernalia.

Given Ms. Basham's actions, perhaps the reason police did not arrest the man she accused of cheating her was that there was simply too much evidence that she had in fact received the real stuff, not sugar as she had claimed.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

This song was made for you and me...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

"911 - What's your delusion?"

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Finding the Right Location for Your Business 101

Finding the Right Location for Your Business 101

22-year-old Andrew Allen Kramer of the state of Washington found out firsthand this week the importance of doing all the research before choosing a location for your business when he was arrested for selling marijuana on the lawn of the Grant County Courthouse.  Mr. Kramer must have been doing some product sampling before hitting the road with his wares because not only was he conducting business on the courthouse lawn, but he was actually trying to build his customer base there by approaching strangers and asking them whether they might be interested in purchasing some marijuana.  Now, I have never been good at sales, but I'm thinking that there has to have been a better way for him to reach his goal.

But at least it got his name in the paper. You know what they say, "No publicity is bad publicity."

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

This song was made for you and me...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

"911 - What's your delusion?"

Arizona man seeks to enforce adultery laws

Arizona man seeks to enforce adultery laws

Most people who suspect their spouses are cheating make a phone call to a divorce attorney, but not Arizona resident Dave Banks, who has instead called local police and filed a complaint.  Arizona, like a fair amount of other states, still has a law on the books making adultery a crime, and Mr. Banks thinks it's high time they enforced it.  State adultery laws carry different punishments, ranging from a $10 fine in Maryland to heftier fines and jail time.  A violation of the Arizona adultery law can carry a fine of up to $500 and a 30-day stint in jail.

While many people think this is just another example of archaic laws, Banks did make the point that people might think twice about cheating on their spouses if doing so carried the threat of jail time.  But let's be honest, although police are investigating, it's pretty unlikely that Banks' wife will actually be prosecuted for adultery.  Cheating on one's spouse isn't really as shameful or as unusual as it once was, and our society as a whole has become pretty tolerant of adultery and divorce.  That tolerance is more a function of a change of attitude about the seriousness of wedding vows than it is a lack of enforcement of adultery laws, although the two are perhaps not entirely unrelated.

But as unlikely as it is that Banks' complaint will get prosecuted, I say good for him for taking a stand, in spite of the ridicule he is facing, and publicly declaring that adultery is not acceptable.  

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

This song was made for you and me...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

"911 - What's your delusion?"

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When good claymation goes bad

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This story is from a while ago, but for anyone who missed it at the time...

We've all seen the classic robbery scene in movies or television shows: Masked gunman shows up, terrifies everyone, and makes off with cash.  But, alas, sometimes you just don't have a ski mask lying around the house when you need one, and they are not easy to come by in California, especially during the summer months.  So, if you want to be this generation's John Dillinger, you've got to be a little more creative.

Enter two would-be gunslingers, aged 19 and 20, who pled guilty to burglary last November after they were charged with robbing convenience stores while dressed in a full-body Gumby costume.  Now, I might be a little more understanding of the wardrobe choice had the first of their robberies not occurred in early September, when retail was on a back-to-school kick and still a good three weeks away from breaking out the Halloween costumes.  No, no.  The Gumby costume was not a selection born of necessity.  This was picked out at some previous time, no doubt with greater care than was used in planning the crimes it was used to perpetrate.

But as ridiculous as the costume was - in fact, the store clerk, thinking it was a joke, initially declined to be robbed on the grounds that he had work to do - you have to admit that if you're going to get busted for robbing a convenience store, robbing it in a way that gets you mentioned on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and all over other cable news shows is definitely the way to go.  Only just try to do better than Gumby when it comes to getting the loot out of the store.  Instead of walking away with some extra cash, the young man dressed as Gumby actually lost money on the deal when he dropped 27 cents out of his pocket before aborting the mission.

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Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

Have you ever found yourself in one of those fights where you long ago realized that your position was flawed, but you've just gone too far to give up now?  I wonder if that's how Todd Remis is feeling these days.  As reported by a variety of news sources this week, Remis is continuing in his lawsuit against the photographer he hired to forever memorialize the pledge of eternal fidelity that he and Milena Grzibovska made at their 2003 wedding.  The pledge of eternal fidelity actually translated into more of a 5-year program when the couple began divorce proceedings in 2008.

According to Remis' suit, the photographer did "shoddy" work and left before some critical moments in the reception.  What really sets Remis' case apart from all the run-of-the-mill wedding photography lawsuits is the fact that Remis is not looking for a reimbursement of funds; instead, he wants the photographer to pay to recreate his wedding and take the pictures that were missed that day.

Although Remis has been ridiculed by the press for going to such lengths to preserve memories of a marriage that ended so quickly, he does have at least one interesting legal point.  Generally speaking, in a breach of contract case, courts are reluctant to order what is known as "specific performance."  Specific performance is just what it sounds like: a court order to do what the contract required.  Usually, courts just order breaching parties to pay money damages in order to put the non-breaching party in the position they would have been in had the contract been properly performed.  However, the court does make rare exceptions when no legal remedy is available or the legal remedy would be woefully inadequate.

Although it is very rare to see specific performance in the case of services, Remis could make an argument that what he was paying for was really goods, namely the finished photographs.  When dealing with goods, courts will only order specific performance of a contract where the goods involved are very unique.  If, through some momentary lapse in judgment, I ended up as the attorney presenting Remis' case, I would argue that the goods involved - wedding photographs - are extremely unique because a photographer is more than just someone pushing a button on a camera; a photographer is an artist with a unique style.  And the fact that Remis wants pictures to remember his ill-fated marriage only bolsters the argument that he needs those specific goods.  He certainly doesn't have the bride around to remind him of that day anymore.

Of course, what really kills Remis' case is that he does have some pictures, and the ones that have been released on the internet are pretty nice, in my opinion.  If nothing else, though, perhaps he could hire someone to photograph the whole bloody fight and the litigation process, which with a little luck may end up lasting longer than the marriage itself.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

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This song was made for you and me...

Over the past two decades, there have been countless court cases all around the world involving the legality of downloading copyrighted files, in particular music and video files.  Websites and file-sharing programs are a dime a dozen, and as soon as one is shut down, a new one pops up.  Lawyers have tried a variety of legal tactics over the years, sometimes attacking the companies that act as middleman, sometimes attacking the individual downloaders themselves.  Heavy downloaders have been ordered by the courts to pay tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars to record label companies.

On the other side, lawyers have put up all kinds of strategic defenses to try to keep the music flowing.  The only thing stranger than the latest justification for music downloads is the fact that someone is actually buying into it.  In a move that gives new meaning to the term "Stockholm Syndrome," the nation of Sweden announced last month that it granted official recognition to a religious organization known as the Church of Kopimism.  To break it down for the simple minds - and those prone to logic - a bunch of people pledged devotion to the ideal of something-for-nothing and called it a religion in order to escape the "persecution" of laws designed to protect the people who make music.  Never mind that musicians put tons of time, energy, passion, and - you guessed it - MONEY into creating the music to which this new "church" claims it is entitled.

It is hard to believe that anyone would actually take this group seriously enough to grant it an official designation as a religion, but as long as they are wiling to accept this argument, I'm thinking of rolling it over into the food market.  That's right.  I am dedicated to the mission of eating free Köttbullar, and I need government protection to ensure that I can pursue that goal unhindered.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

Always time for a last hurrah...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

"911 - What's your delusion?"

Arizona man seeks to enforce adultery laws

Finding the Right Location for Your Business 101

Always time for a last hurrah...

I have a friend who always says that if he ever gets sent to prison to do any serious time - which he defines as anything in excess of six months - he will go on the run before he lets them lock him up.  Apparently, 53-year-old Kenneth Stine of Florida had a similar idea, although in a more temporary way.  When officers tried to pull him over for a burnt-out headlight, he floored it, giving rise to a short police chase that ended when Stine ran out of gas.

Why did he run, you might ask?  When he was finally stopped, Stine informed officers that he had just bought some crack and wanted to be sure he had time to smoke it before he was hauled off to jail.  Ironically, had he just stuffed it under his seat and accepted the consequences for his broken headlight, he probably would have been able to enjoy his newly-purchased goods in the peace and quiet of his own home.

It always amazes me when I hear stories like this one.  I do not condone smoking crack or using any other illegal substances, especially while driving, but I just cannot understand why people make the mistakes that they do when they have contraband in the car.  I once met a kid fresh out of juvie who had been sent away for possession of marijuana with intent to sell.  Apparently, when stopped by police, he had so much weed in his trunk that they could smell it before they even got next to the car.  The reason the police stopped him?  He rolled a stop sign.

Besides the obvious lesson of why you should obey all road and traffic laws when transporting illegal substances - or, even better, refrain from transporting illegal substances altogether - there is another lesson  here.  If you get pulled over, make it a point not to speak to them beyond pleasantries until you have a lawyer present.  This doesn't mean that every time you are stopped you should clam up completely.  It's okay to say hello and be polite to the officer.  But just try to avoid initiating a high-speed chase, and if you can't avoid that, then at least don't try to smooth things over with your pursuers by telling them you just wanted to hit that crack pipe one more time.

To get all the latest info on funny legal news, dumb criminals, crime humor, and more, subscribe to this blog by entering your email in the box on the right side of the blog or follow me on Twitter.

See also:

This song was made for you and me...

Lawsuit against New York photographer continues

When good claymation goes bad

"911 - What's your delusion?"

Arizona man seeks to enforce adultery laws

Finding the Right Location for Your Business 101